Healing from the hurt 

It’s so exciting when a woman has their child. They nurture their little tiny miracle and teach them as they grow. Kissing their booboos, cleaning cuts, scraps, and tons of messes up. Teaching them right from wrong. Guiding them through school and sometimes even college. Helping them with tough relationships, life problems and choices, along the way. Watching them grow up so quickly and finding themselves wondering just where the time went. 

Then out of nowhere, things change. That once close and loving relationship disappears. It’s almost like, the now grown child, went to sleep one night and awoke a completely different person. Everything changes and you, the parent, is left in this whirlwind of confusion. 

Your grown child is now behaving oddly, reacting strangely and not only going out of their way to ignore you but being extremely condescending and belligerent towards you. 

It’s mind blowing for sure and makes you start thinking that maybe it’s all in your head. Until someone else notices it too and mentions it to you. Then the horrifying thoughts begin flooding your mind. Memories of a close blood relative who acted bizarre and now you’re noticing the similarities. Scared to know yet needing to know, you work at talking them into seeing the doctor. 

Finally, you begin to feel a little better after talking with the doctor and having some type of a plan on how to navigate this unknown territory. Even your frustrations have gone down because although the doctor told them the same things you’ve been telling them for months, they listened as though they’ve never heard those things before and they’re going to work to find out what’s wrong and get better. You’re finally seeing light at the end of this dark tunnel and you’re feeling relief. 

Until things shatter again and hell’s demons rear their nasty heads. Or at least that’s how it feels to you when they simply decide that they don’t need help and it’s all your fault. They never finish seeing the doctor or have the testing done. In fact, they isolate themselves from everyone and turn against you even worse. 

Then the next thing you know, they’re packing their vehicle with their belongings. Thinking they’re throwing a tantrum and not knowing at the time; it’ll be the last time you’ll ever see them. You just stand there in shock, with no words, wishing to just wake up from this enormous nightmare that seems to just continue on forever. 

The next thing you hear is their vehicle driving away and the last words they said to you burns in your ears as you helplessly watch them drive away. Your heart all of a sudden crack and you’re completely broken by the time their vehicle is out of sight. 

The fear of your child needing help and being unable to do anything about it, haunts you. Your beautiful child that you created, raised, protected and cherished, has now turned against you. Blaming you for everything that ever went wrong in their life and you have no idea why.  

You try calling and texting them but both only go unanswered and you know you’re being ignored. At first you count the hours, then the days, which turns into weeks and then passes into months. Still hearing nothing from them. It’s as if you no longer exist to them. The only thing giving you any comfort at this point are the little birdies letting you know that they’re safe.  

Even after all this time you still find yourself sitting and waiting for them to call or text. Getting hopefully every time a vehicle drives by until you realize it’s not theirs. Your worries still continue because you know they need help and it’s only going to get worse until they do. 

The questions are still haunting your mind on a regular basis. What happened? Where did you go wrong? What could you have done differently? You shower yourself with guilt and blame but have no clue why or what you’ve done to cause or deserve this. There’s no closure and only pain grows inside. 

Sad, isn’t it? Especially when you’ve actually done everything you could to help them. You took care of them, you raised them, set them up for a successful life, and even sought out medical care for them. The rest, unfortunately, is out of your hands. It’s completely up to them to choose what they want for themselves, their life and their health. There’s nothing to blame yourself for because you didn’t do anything. 

The reason they blame you for everything is because it’s easier for them, than actually taking responsibility for themselves and getting the help they need. After all, getting help would be admitting they’re the one that has issues and that’s not possible because they’re better than that. 

This is how mental illness affects some families. It can literally rip a solid foundation into shreds as if it was nothing. Now in many cases the person will eventually get the help they need and the family becomes the support through it, but not every time. There are parents out there that haven’t heard from their child for several years and never will. 

So, after a mental illness has torn a family apart and stole the precious child from the hands of its parent, how does the parent heal or recover? Well, the answer is, not easily. 

Healing, as with any loss, takes time and a lot of it. The scars will always remain though. But as time fades into the abyss, the days become easier to accept. Then the empty hole in the heart will begin to slowly scar over the wound. Not completely healing it but numbing the pain. Soon, the days will pass with no more wishing, constant looking, or waiting for any type of signs from them. Eventually the continuous crying stops as well. Although there’ll be breakthroughs at different times so don’t be too surprised when it happens again out of the blue. 

The top priority now is the only one left… you. It’s time to take care of yourself and your health. After all, turmoil like this not only wreaks havoc in your life but has a toll on your body as well, mentally, emotionally, and physically. You need to care for yourself and get your health better. The time will pass by either way so you might as well make the best of it. 

There’s no reason to stop living because when you do that you’ve given up. Not only on yourself but on them too. It’s better to work on yourself during this time and make yourself healthy. Then if they ever do return, you can be a strong support and if they never do, well, you didn’t waste away and you set an example for others who needed it. 

Some people have this happen with more than one child, two, three and even sometimes four. Can you imagine the trauma of that? What emotional and mental stress goes through their body. When it comes to dealing with mental illness, it affects everyone, not just the person who has the illness. 

Going through this traumatic experience is hard on the body and causes havoc for the person’s systems, emotionally, mentally, and physically. This is why taking care of yourself is vital.  

One can start by talking to someone about the emotional roller coaster ride they’re going through at different times. Which are normal and will happen. Having support during all of it really helps but if there is none then perhaps finding a good therapist is in order. 

The next step could be working on yourself. After all, you’ve taken care of everyone else and now it’s your turn. There’s no guilt in giving yourself what you need and deserve. So, do it.  

Take walks in nature, listen to the birds sing and the animals play in the woods. Take time to stop and smell flowers along the way. Start eating healthy and exercising. Maybe try some meditation or yoga classes to lower your body’s stress. Begin getting massages on a regular basis and lower your body’s tension. All the things that will help you become in balance and in sync again are available, you just need to utilize them.  

At first, it’ll be difficult but remember, you need this time for yourself and it’s perfectly fine. In fact, you’ll be perfectly fine too. Just be patient with yourself and use the time you need in a positive way. Then one day soon, you’ll be strong, healthy, and balanced again. That’s when you’ll be able to help others again too. 

~Best of Health & Positive Energy, ~ Healing Feather Wellness ~ “Balancing Body, Mind & Spirit” ~ ©2021